I posted in the other blog about how I can't believe that she is nearly 18 months old. It's been an amazing journey and I have learned so much about myself through the process of becoming a mother.
I remember being so nervous during my pregnancy that I would fail as a mother, or that Lauren would hate me. I think I've blogged before about how we had fish, and they kept dying, and I broke down one night because I was terrified I would not be able to care for a child if I couldn't care for fish. However, I've learned that the two are MUCH different. For starters, Lauren has never failed to let me know when she's hungry. Unlike the fish....
Lauren's birth is the single most amazing event I have experienced. I had been worried about her because for a month, the cord was wrapped around her neck and knew the dangers of this - although it is common for the cord to be wrapped around the baby's neck at some point. The doctor never told me this, I just saw it written on my chart, and when I began pushing during labor they told me this. The entire day, her heart rate had been a little crazy and I was on oxygen, which made me more nervous...but never to the point I didn't think she'd be okay. I trusted my doctor completely. However, when she was born and cried for the first time, I cried right along with her.
Until a person experiences the sound of their child crying for the first time, it is impossible to fully explain how one feels. I'm not the most spiritual person, but I do believe in God. There is a country song that came out a few months after she was born, and it just related to my experience - the song is "I Saw God Today" by George Strait. And I did - when I first heard those tiny cries I felt so overwhelmed with love and pride. I did that. We did that. We created life, and I didn't screw it up!
When they first let me hold her, she was wide awake - she was so alert from the minute she was born, it was awesome. She stared up at me, and it was a total look of recognition for both of us. I felt like she was telling me, "hey, it's you - I know you. You are my mom" - and in that instant, I knew that I would love her so much and that my life would never be the same again.
I will admit, the transition to motherhood didn't come as easily for me as it does for others. This is not to say I didn't love her or doubted being a mom - I loved her more than anything and loved being a mom! I just had a bit of an adjustment to it. I remember calling my friend who had a baby two months older than Lauren and asked her what she did all day. I worried that I wasn't doing something right. You have to know me pretty well to understand this - I have a huge fear of failure, and I love instructions. Very detailed instructions. I'm not good at "winging" things, and I felt as though I was "winging" being a mom. As I spent more time with Lauren, we got to know each other better and got into a pretty good routine.
Now, 18 months later, I can't believe I doubted my skills or whether she would love me. It is the most amazing feeling to have this little person look up to me, trust her whole life to me, and know whole-heartedly that I would do anything for her. When she gives me a big hug, or kisses me goodnight, or even just says "mommy" my heart melts.
I knew I would love her, but nothing could have prepared me for the actual fact of life. I love her more than I could have ever dreamed. I didn't know the ability to love one little person so much was possible. And it is so incredibly unconditional. She has her meltdowns, we get frustrated with one another - but when it's all said and done, at the end of the day we cuddle together and give each other kisses goodnight. I just hope and pray that we will continue to be close as she grows older.
She is my greatest achievement in life. To look at ultrasound pictures and see how she started as this tiny little blob and evolved into this beautiful little girl is to witness a miracle. Pregnancy and birth are true miracles. I am blessed to have experienced this, and my little angel sleeping upstairs is the best gift I've ever received.
No comments:
Post a Comment