It is starting to dawn on me that vacation is less than 3 weeks away....and as determined as I have been about needing this vacation, I have to admit I'm starting to get really nervous about being away from Lauren! I have talked to numerous moms who all agree on one thing: couple vacations are definitely a good thing. All the moms I have spoken with about this have left their child with grandparents for a week when they were all age ranges - from younger to Lauren to a little bit older. And all the kids still love their parents. I kind of think Troy and I will have a much harder time being away from Lauren than she will being away from us....
I am grateful that she will get to spend time with her grandparents in St. Louis and even more excited that she will get to spend time with her great-grandma, who lives in Chicago and is taking the train down to STL to see Lauren. The plans are to take Lauren to the zoo, the Children's Museum, and the parks. I know she will have a great time, and I also know she will probably ask for us like she asks me for Troy when he has to work late. I am struggling with the feeling that she will think we abandoned her, but we'll talk to her on the phone every day (multiple times!) and she'll hear our voices and know we are coming back to get her soon.
I'm very excited for Troy and I to have a relaxing vacation - we both are in need of it, but we will both miss Lauren like crazy! I agree with the moms that I've talked to - taking her would be hard on all of us (Lauren included) because she doesn't really have the ability to understand things right now...such as why she has to be confined to a plane for hours. And our experience at Macy's last night proved that she's just at the stage where she likes to run around and be loud - we'll have much quieter dinners alone. This may be our only kid-free vacation - haha! I know she will be much easier to travel with when she understands "why" a little better. Right now, she just wants to be able to play and run around.
I miss her when she goes to bed - I imagine that the days will be okay, but the nights will be really hard on us...we'll miss our goodnight kisses from the little bean. I know I can do it - I spent two nights away from her last August to go to Greenbrier with Troy. And I know she'll be okay - she was fine back then, and all of the other kids who've hung out with their grandparents while their parents went on vacation have been fine. No permanent damage.
Of course, this could all be worrying for nothing since our destination is Cancun. Hopefully everything will work out and the wedding we are attending won't be cancelled, but it very well could be and we could be spending our vacation in an entirely different way. My manager and I talked about this today - she has left one of her sons with his grandparents for a week each summer since he was born - which is just two, but still. She said the first time is definitely the hardest, but when you hear about how much fun they had, it makes it better. And she actually had to leave her son with her best friend who he only sees a handful of times a year, and said he still did great. I'm sure Lauren will have a couple playdates out there, which I think will be good for her.
I just kept thinking that vacation was soooo far off and of course I was going to be fine, but now that it's getting closer, I'm getting more nervous! I'm sure it's all a normal part of motherhood....and BTW, can't believe it's May. I mean really. May. I feel like Lauren was just born - AWWW today she is 18 months. Happy 18 month birthday my little angel!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Memories...
On the way to work this morning, I got to thinking about two of my favorite memories from growing up.
One of the memories was sparked by the story in the news about the elderly gentleman who was lost in Kanawha State Forest, and fortunately found alive yesterday. When we lived in Hurricane back between 1996 - 1998, my parents hosted Thanksgiving for my dad's side of the family. Everyone came down, and we were having a great time. My cousins and I were all close back then, so it was fun every time we got together. The weather had been exceptionally warm, so we decided to go to Kanawha State Forest. The guys - my dad, Uncle Kevin, Uncle Brian, Uncle Terry and Grandpa Roger - took the kids to the park to go for a "hike." The kids included: me, my brother and my cousins: Annie, Aaron, Eric, Austin and Paige. At this time, Paige - who is the youngest (at 16 now!!) was about 3, getting ready to turn 4. So, we are walking and talking and having a great time. Then, we realize that somehow the path is no longer marked. So we keep walking, and the guys realize that they have no clue where we are. The younger kids didn't catch on, they still thought we were on an adventure, but my cousin Annie and I knew something was going on.
We kept walking trying to find our way back, and we started hearing the guys talk about how it was going to get dark soon and questioning what we should do. We somehow stumbled back upon some markers - I don't think the paths there are very well marked, especially if you are unfamiliar with the park - but none of it looked familiar. The younger kids were still just having a blast! By some miraculous turn of events, my Uncle Kevin looked down and saw a road. As we walked toward it, he then saw our car. We were at the top of the "mountain" and he said, "we're going down." Now, this isn't like a hill. It was a steep grade. The guys went down with the kids, but then Paige was handed off to me and Annie to take turns holding. It was a crazy experience. The grade was so steep we were literally sliding down the mountain until we would get to the next tree/branch to hang on to. The guys helped us all, but it was a little scary because if you lost your footing, you'd definitely fall.
We were so fortunate that day to not have to spend the night in the woods - by the time we got to the car, it was getting dark. When we got home, of course all of the women were worried sick. They told us that had it been much longer, they were going to call the police. This is still back before everyone carried a cell phone - so they had no way to contact us and we had no way to contact anyone else for help. We would retell that story for years when we'd all get together for Thanksgiving. Every now and then, if the whole family is together, that story comes back up.
Another great memory came to mind because of this one - the same people were involved. Every year when we were little, our one summer vacation was to get together at Dale Hollow Lake (and then it moved to Lake Cumberland), which is on the Tennessee/Kentucky border. We'd always rent a houseboat for the week, and hang out boating, skiing, and just having a great time. Over time, my aunt and uncle purchased a houseboat, so we'd still go every year but we had a much nicer boat to play in. Side note: they just purchased their biggest houseboat yet - it's like, 90' long and 20' wide - MONSTER!! I hope to make it down sometime with Lauren to see it. One year, we decided to go down there for a fall trip. It was the weekend of Halloween - not sure which year, but I know we were living in Hurricane at the time. It was the best weekend down there. The air was a little chilly, but the water was soo warm. I remember my cousin Annie and I would hop on the jet skis and literally throw ourselves off so that we could warm up. Skiing was fun then, too, because the spray of the water on you just felt soo good. We had a bonfire on the land, and told lots of ghost stories. It was awesome to say that we had been jet skiing in November! Haven't done that since, but it was so much fun.
Those summers on the houseboat were a blast. My brother and I always talked about doing that with our families when we were older. I'm not sure that will happen, but they were great memories. I love going to the lake, and really hope to share that experience with Lauren. Troy is a little less enthusiastic about the lake, but I think I don't mind it because I grew up summering there. Lauren had her first boat ride last summer, and I plan to take her again this summer to my parent's house at Bull Shoals Lake (on the Missouri/Arkansas border). She would fall asleep on the boat, and this year I hope I can actually ski again! I haven't gotten to ski since the summer I got married - not sure I'd even remember how, haha! Troy never tried to ski, but he'd tube with me - I like tubing even though it scares me! One year I about broke my back. My dad and I were tubing and this guy I was dating at the time (a real jerk, I might add) was driving the boat and took us over these waves he just created and it was not a smart thing. I'm pretty sure it's a miracle he didn't flip the boat over because he didn't slow down, and then it snapped my dad and I up in the air and I think my feet went over my head.
I had another accident on a jet ski - these lake stories keep coming now....we were jet skiing at this itty bitty lake in Terre Haute. I was on my favorite jet ski and came around a turn and decided to do a power slide. I hadn't been paying attention, and I did this power slide and hit a wave - it completely threw me off the jet ski and I hit the water so hard it knocked the wind out of me. I remember just lying there in the water, only able to half see because I lost a contact, and here comes my Uncle Kevin racing into the water like a madman. He was kind of protective of me when I was younger. He got to me and asked if I was okay and I just said I don't know, and he helped get me back to the shore. It was pretty crazy - they said I flipped in the air and they knew I was going to hit the wave but had no way of stopping me.
Fun times...I will forever cherish those memories. My parents have picture albums full of pictures of our adventures on the lake. I can't wait to share them with Lauren, and I will probably have my parents copy those pictures for me...
That's my randomness for today...back to work...
One of the memories was sparked by the story in the news about the elderly gentleman who was lost in Kanawha State Forest, and fortunately found alive yesterday. When we lived in Hurricane back between 1996 - 1998, my parents hosted Thanksgiving for my dad's side of the family. Everyone came down, and we were having a great time. My cousins and I were all close back then, so it was fun every time we got together. The weather had been exceptionally warm, so we decided to go to Kanawha State Forest. The guys - my dad, Uncle Kevin, Uncle Brian, Uncle Terry and Grandpa Roger - took the kids to the park to go for a "hike." The kids included: me, my brother and my cousins: Annie, Aaron, Eric, Austin and Paige. At this time, Paige - who is the youngest (at 16 now!!) was about 3, getting ready to turn 4. So, we are walking and talking and having a great time. Then, we realize that somehow the path is no longer marked. So we keep walking, and the guys realize that they have no clue where we are. The younger kids didn't catch on, they still thought we were on an adventure, but my cousin Annie and I knew something was going on.
We kept walking trying to find our way back, and we started hearing the guys talk about how it was going to get dark soon and questioning what we should do. We somehow stumbled back upon some markers - I don't think the paths there are very well marked, especially if you are unfamiliar with the park - but none of it looked familiar. The younger kids were still just having a blast! By some miraculous turn of events, my Uncle Kevin looked down and saw a road. As we walked toward it, he then saw our car. We were at the top of the "mountain" and he said, "we're going down." Now, this isn't like a hill. It was a steep grade. The guys went down with the kids, but then Paige was handed off to me and Annie to take turns holding. It was a crazy experience. The grade was so steep we were literally sliding down the mountain until we would get to the next tree/branch to hang on to. The guys helped us all, but it was a little scary because if you lost your footing, you'd definitely fall.
We were so fortunate that day to not have to spend the night in the woods - by the time we got to the car, it was getting dark. When we got home, of course all of the women were worried sick. They told us that had it been much longer, they were going to call the police. This is still back before everyone carried a cell phone - so they had no way to contact us and we had no way to contact anyone else for help. We would retell that story for years when we'd all get together for Thanksgiving. Every now and then, if the whole family is together, that story comes back up.
Another great memory came to mind because of this one - the same people were involved. Every year when we were little, our one summer vacation was to get together at Dale Hollow Lake (and then it moved to Lake Cumberland), which is on the Tennessee/Kentucky border. We'd always rent a houseboat for the week, and hang out boating, skiing, and just having a great time. Over time, my aunt and uncle purchased a houseboat, so we'd still go every year but we had a much nicer boat to play in. Side note: they just purchased their biggest houseboat yet - it's like, 90' long and 20' wide - MONSTER!! I hope to make it down sometime with Lauren to see it. One year, we decided to go down there for a fall trip. It was the weekend of Halloween - not sure which year, but I know we were living in Hurricane at the time. It was the best weekend down there. The air was a little chilly, but the water was soo warm. I remember my cousin Annie and I would hop on the jet skis and literally throw ourselves off so that we could warm up. Skiing was fun then, too, because the spray of the water on you just felt soo good. We had a bonfire on the land, and told lots of ghost stories. It was awesome to say that we had been jet skiing in November! Haven't done that since, but it was so much fun.
Those summers on the houseboat were a blast. My brother and I always talked about doing that with our families when we were older. I'm not sure that will happen, but they were great memories. I love going to the lake, and really hope to share that experience with Lauren. Troy is a little less enthusiastic about the lake, but I think I don't mind it because I grew up summering there. Lauren had her first boat ride last summer, and I plan to take her again this summer to my parent's house at Bull Shoals Lake (on the Missouri/Arkansas border). She would fall asleep on the boat, and this year I hope I can actually ski again! I haven't gotten to ski since the summer I got married - not sure I'd even remember how, haha! Troy never tried to ski, but he'd tube with me - I like tubing even though it scares me! One year I about broke my back. My dad and I were tubing and this guy I was dating at the time (a real jerk, I might add) was driving the boat and took us over these waves he just created and it was not a smart thing. I'm pretty sure it's a miracle he didn't flip the boat over because he didn't slow down, and then it snapped my dad and I up in the air and I think my feet went over my head.
I had another accident on a jet ski - these lake stories keep coming now....we were jet skiing at this itty bitty lake in Terre Haute. I was on my favorite jet ski and came around a turn and decided to do a power slide. I hadn't been paying attention, and I did this power slide and hit a wave - it completely threw me off the jet ski and I hit the water so hard it knocked the wind out of me. I remember just lying there in the water, only able to half see because I lost a contact, and here comes my Uncle Kevin racing into the water like a madman. He was kind of protective of me when I was younger. He got to me and asked if I was okay and I just said I don't know, and he helped get me back to the shore. It was pretty crazy - they said I flipped in the air and they knew I was going to hit the wave but had no way of stopping me.
Fun times...I will forever cherish those memories. My parents have picture albums full of pictures of our adventures on the lake. I can't wait to share them with Lauren, and I will probably have my parents copy those pictures for me...
That's my randomness for today...back to work...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Swine Flu and Drug Lords
So Troy and I are three weeks away from our Mexican vacation! And since we've booked our vacation in Cancun, there has been nothing but negative news coming out of Mexico.
First, I was warned that there were travel advisories regarding the drug wars on the streets of Mexico. Well, to hear it makes it sound like the entire country is struggling with this, but in fact most of the violence is taking place near the US/Mexican border. There is a warning about traveling in the evenings and to take precautions in the cities, even in Cancun - but isn't that kind of...obvious? I mean, if you are traveling in a foreign country where it is COMPLETELY clear that you are a tourist, wouldn't you be careful anyway? Troy and I aren't planning any midnight excursions or even going into the city. We plan to hang out on the beach of the Moon Palace in Cancun. Maybe we'll swim with some dolphins and do a tour or this zipline thing in the forest. All the while, we will be careful.
We are flying into Cancun - and then will have a short trip to the resort. We are not hitchhiking on any local buses or anything crazy. I trust that the resort is going to be safe, but we will also take our precautions...just as we did in St. Kitts and again in Puerto Rico.
And now, the Swine Flu. Some airlines are offering to change travel plans without extra cost. I heard on the radio that this disease is spread through contact with an infected swine (and I don't plan on touching random pigs in Mexico) or contact with an infected person (and I don't plan on touching random people...). You do NOT get the Swine Flu from eating pork or breathing in the Mexican air. I'm sure this is a serious disease and I don't mean to make light of it - and I'm glad that people are being warned. But some countries are discouraging travel to Mexico. I heard today Europeans are being advised not to travel to Mexico or the US! Really.
I think this is just one more thing to worry about for people. The odds of getting this are slim - even though the papers make it sound like the bubonic plague. I'm sure it is dangerous and I will be careful, but I will NOT let the Swine Flu and drug lords ruin my vacation! Plus, our trip is still 3 weeks away. By that time, this could completely be contained and not even an issue.
I will be carrying hand sanitizer with me, and will be crazy about using it. But I refuse to be nervous or scared about contracting the disease or about running into any drug lords. I'm not one to be chatty with strangers anyway, and this will only confirm my desire to "keep to myself" while traveling in Mexico.
First, I was warned that there were travel advisories regarding the drug wars on the streets of Mexico. Well, to hear it makes it sound like the entire country is struggling with this, but in fact most of the violence is taking place near the US/Mexican border. There is a warning about traveling in the evenings and to take precautions in the cities, even in Cancun - but isn't that kind of...obvious? I mean, if you are traveling in a foreign country where it is COMPLETELY clear that you are a tourist, wouldn't you be careful anyway? Troy and I aren't planning any midnight excursions or even going into the city. We plan to hang out on the beach of the Moon Palace in Cancun. Maybe we'll swim with some dolphins and do a tour or this zipline thing in the forest. All the while, we will be careful.
We are flying into Cancun - and then will have a short trip to the resort. We are not hitchhiking on any local buses or anything crazy. I trust that the resort is going to be safe, but we will also take our precautions...just as we did in St. Kitts and again in Puerto Rico.
And now, the Swine Flu. Some airlines are offering to change travel plans without extra cost. I heard on the radio that this disease is spread through contact with an infected swine (and I don't plan on touching random pigs in Mexico) or contact with an infected person (and I don't plan on touching random people...). You do NOT get the Swine Flu from eating pork or breathing in the Mexican air. I'm sure this is a serious disease and I don't mean to make light of it - and I'm glad that people are being warned. But some countries are discouraging travel to Mexico. I heard today Europeans are being advised not to travel to Mexico or the US! Really.
I think this is just one more thing to worry about for people. The odds of getting this are slim - even though the papers make it sound like the bubonic plague. I'm sure it is dangerous and I will be careful, but I will NOT let the Swine Flu and drug lords ruin my vacation! Plus, our trip is still 3 weeks away. By that time, this could completely be contained and not even an issue.
I will be carrying hand sanitizer with me, and will be crazy about using it. But I refuse to be nervous or scared about contracting the disease or about running into any drug lords. I'm not one to be chatty with strangers anyway, and this will only confirm my desire to "keep to myself" while traveling in Mexico.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Life as a Mommyholic 2
I'm trying to stick with my writing exercises - and it seems the only topic that I can really write about is Lauren these days!
I posted in the other blog about how I can't believe that she is nearly 18 months old. It's been an amazing journey and I have learned so much about myself through the process of becoming a mother.
I remember being so nervous during my pregnancy that I would fail as a mother, or that Lauren would hate me. I think I've blogged before about how we had fish, and they kept dying, and I broke down one night because I was terrified I would not be able to care for a child if I couldn't care for fish. However, I've learned that the two are MUCH different. For starters, Lauren has never failed to let me know when she's hungry. Unlike the fish....
Lauren's birth is the single most amazing event I have experienced. I had been worried about her because for a month, the cord was wrapped around her neck and knew the dangers of this - although it is common for the cord to be wrapped around the baby's neck at some point. The doctor never told me this, I just saw it written on my chart, and when I began pushing during labor they told me this. The entire day, her heart rate had been a little crazy and I was on oxygen, which made me more nervous...but never to the point I didn't think she'd be okay. I trusted my doctor completely. However, when she was born and cried for the first time, I cried right along with her.
Until a person experiences the sound of their child crying for the first time, it is impossible to fully explain how one feels. I'm not the most spiritual person, but I do believe in God. There is a country song that came out a few months after she was born, and it just related to my experience - the song is "I Saw God Today" by George Strait. And I did - when I first heard those tiny cries I felt so overwhelmed with love and pride. I did that. We did that. We created life, and I didn't screw it up!
When they first let me hold her, she was wide awake - she was so alert from the minute she was born, it was awesome. She stared up at me, and it was a total look of recognition for both of us. I felt like she was telling me, "hey, it's you - I know you. You are my mom" - and in that instant, I knew that I would love her so much and that my life would never be the same again.
I will admit, the transition to motherhood didn't come as easily for me as it does for others. This is not to say I didn't love her or doubted being a mom - I loved her more than anything and loved being a mom! I just had a bit of an adjustment to it. I remember calling my friend who had a baby two months older than Lauren and asked her what she did all day. I worried that I wasn't doing something right. You have to know me pretty well to understand this - I have a huge fear of failure, and I love instructions. Very detailed instructions. I'm not good at "winging" things, and I felt as though I was "winging" being a mom. As I spent more time with Lauren, we got to know each other better and got into a pretty good routine.
Now, 18 months later, I can't believe I doubted my skills or whether she would love me. It is the most amazing feeling to have this little person look up to me, trust her whole life to me, and know whole-heartedly that I would do anything for her. When she gives me a big hug, or kisses me goodnight, or even just says "mommy" my heart melts.
I knew I would love her, but nothing could have prepared me for the actual fact of life. I love her more than I could have ever dreamed. I didn't know the ability to love one little person so much was possible. And it is so incredibly unconditional. She has her meltdowns, we get frustrated with one another - but when it's all said and done, at the end of the day we cuddle together and give each other kisses goodnight. I just hope and pray that we will continue to be close as she grows older.
She is my greatest achievement in life. To look at ultrasound pictures and see how she started as this tiny little blob and evolved into this beautiful little girl is to witness a miracle. Pregnancy and birth are true miracles. I am blessed to have experienced this, and my little angel sleeping upstairs is the best gift I've ever received.
I posted in the other blog about how I can't believe that she is nearly 18 months old. It's been an amazing journey and I have learned so much about myself through the process of becoming a mother.
I remember being so nervous during my pregnancy that I would fail as a mother, or that Lauren would hate me. I think I've blogged before about how we had fish, and they kept dying, and I broke down one night because I was terrified I would not be able to care for a child if I couldn't care for fish. However, I've learned that the two are MUCH different. For starters, Lauren has never failed to let me know when she's hungry. Unlike the fish....
Lauren's birth is the single most amazing event I have experienced. I had been worried about her because for a month, the cord was wrapped around her neck and knew the dangers of this - although it is common for the cord to be wrapped around the baby's neck at some point. The doctor never told me this, I just saw it written on my chart, and when I began pushing during labor they told me this. The entire day, her heart rate had been a little crazy and I was on oxygen, which made me more nervous...but never to the point I didn't think she'd be okay. I trusted my doctor completely. However, when she was born and cried for the first time, I cried right along with her.
Until a person experiences the sound of their child crying for the first time, it is impossible to fully explain how one feels. I'm not the most spiritual person, but I do believe in God. There is a country song that came out a few months after she was born, and it just related to my experience - the song is "I Saw God Today" by George Strait. And I did - when I first heard those tiny cries I felt so overwhelmed with love and pride. I did that. We did that. We created life, and I didn't screw it up!
When they first let me hold her, she was wide awake - she was so alert from the minute she was born, it was awesome. She stared up at me, and it was a total look of recognition for both of us. I felt like she was telling me, "hey, it's you - I know you. You are my mom" - and in that instant, I knew that I would love her so much and that my life would never be the same again.
I will admit, the transition to motherhood didn't come as easily for me as it does for others. This is not to say I didn't love her or doubted being a mom - I loved her more than anything and loved being a mom! I just had a bit of an adjustment to it. I remember calling my friend who had a baby two months older than Lauren and asked her what she did all day. I worried that I wasn't doing something right. You have to know me pretty well to understand this - I have a huge fear of failure, and I love instructions. Very detailed instructions. I'm not good at "winging" things, and I felt as though I was "winging" being a mom. As I spent more time with Lauren, we got to know each other better and got into a pretty good routine.
Now, 18 months later, I can't believe I doubted my skills or whether she would love me. It is the most amazing feeling to have this little person look up to me, trust her whole life to me, and know whole-heartedly that I would do anything for her. When she gives me a big hug, or kisses me goodnight, or even just says "mommy" my heart melts.
I knew I would love her, but nothing could have prepared me for the actual fact of life. I love her more than I could have ever dreamed. I didn't know the ability to love one little person so much was possible. And it is so incredibly unconditional. She has her meltdowns, we get frustrated with one another - but when it's all said and done, at the end of the day we cuddle together and give each other kisses goodnight. I just hope and pray that we will continue to be close as she grows older.
She is my greatest achievement in life. To look at ultrasound pictures and see how she started as this tiny little blob and evolved into this beautiful little girl is to witness a miracle. Pregnancy and birth are true miracles. I am blessed to have experienced this, and my little angel sleeping upstairs is the best gift I've ever received.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Morning Thought Process
I finally got a good night of sleep last night, and I knew it because as soon as I woke up my mind starting working...the past few days it's been hard to just get myself up out of bed I was so tired!
It went something like this:
Blah...I hate birth control pills...*rolls over* Troy, I hate birth control pills..."not feeling well," he asks...no, I hate them. **Went to bed feeling queasy, woke up feeling queasy**
If I have to be on them for a long time like the woman at the doc's office I talked to, Dr. Hill can just remove everything after our next child...
*Rolls back, sees pile of Lauren's clothes that she's outgrown* Ooh, spring cleaning. I need to go through her clothes and toys to donate...and I need to clean the house...
Donate clothes...need to get stuff ready for NICU.
NICU...since February, I have known/heard of four Madison's being born...all of them had a stay in NICU. Some stays were short, some were long...kind of ironic...need to donate the clothes to NICU.
"Troy, are you awake?"
"No, not really....why?"
"Okay, I'll leave you alone"
*Get up, walk downstairs* Ugh, the house needs cleaned...ooh look, the plant is still alive! *We planted little flowers with Lauren and they are starting to sprout...which is a miracle because I am the killer of all plants*
I really need to clean...need to sweep, mop, vacuum, wash the windows and sills...don't know how I'll get that done when Lauren likes to help. Which is sweet, but it won't happen....
Yeah. That's how my morning started. And instead of taking advantage of this time because Lauren is still asleep, what am I doing? Blogging of course! I should be cleaning. I hate cleaning. I need a maid....
I should get off here and get something done...otherwise I will feel guilty the rest of the day! On a good note, I'm no longer feeling queasy because of the pills. I really do hate them. I forgot just how much. I have always had some female issues and needed to be on them, and of all the different brands, every last one makes me feel sick for at least a day or two when I start. I got used to it after a while, until I went off of them. And now that I'm back on them...UGH. Oh well. That is life! And if it only lasts for a little bit in the evening and a little in the morning, I can handle it. It may be the prenatal, too...they put me on a different one...or the combination....who knows...I'm obviously procrastinating because I really don't want to clean. But my house is calling me...
It went something like this:
Blah...I hate birth control pills...*rolls over* Troy, I hate birth control pills..."not feeling well," he asks...no, I hate them. **Went to bed feeling queasy, woke up feeling queasy**
If I have to be on them for a long time like the woman at the doc's office I talked to, Dr. Hill can just remove everything after our next child...
*Rolls back, sees pile of Lauren's clothes that she's outgrown* Ooh, spring cleaning. I need to go through her clothes and toys to donate...and I need to clean the house...
Donate clothes...need to get stuff ready for NICU.
NICU...since February, I have known/heard of four Madison's being born...all of them had a stay in NICU. Some stays were short, some were long...kind of ironic...need to donate the clothes to NICU.
"Troy, are you awake?"
"No, not really....why?"
"Okay, I'll leave you alone"
*Get up, walk downstairs* Ugh, the house needs cleaned...ooh look, the plant is still alive! *We planted little flowers with Lauren and they are starting to sprout...which is a miracle because I am the killer of all plants*
I really need to clean...need to sweep, mop, vacuum, wash the windows and sills...don't know how I'll get that done when Lauren likes to help. Which is sweet, but it won't happen....
Yeah. That's how my morning started. And instead of taking advantage of this time because Lauren is still asleep, what am I doing? Blogging of course! I should be cleaning. I hate cleaning. I need a maid....
I should get off here and get something done...otherwise I will feel guilty the rest of the day! On a good note, I'm no longer feeling queasy because of the pills. I really do hate them. I forgot just how much. I have always had some female issues and needed to be on them, and of all the different brands, every last one makes me feel sick for at least a day or two when I start. I got used to it after a while, until I went off of them. And now that I'm back on them...UGH. Oh well. That is life! And if it only lasts for a little bit in the evening and a little in the morning, I can handle it. It may be the prenatal, too...they put me on a different one...or the combination....who knows...I'm obviously procrastinating because I really don't want to clean. But my house is calling me...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Warning: I am a little crazy.
Okay, so I just had my doctor's appointment and really, the news was good. Yet I am still emotional. I don't understand it, but I am. I'm generally better at expressing myself in writing than talking, so this is my post to just kind of vent and help myself to feel better.
First of all, I really like Dr. Hill. Most people would probably be irritated when he came into the room today and was like, "okay, post op appointment...what'd we do again?" - he then looked up his report and went over it with me. Unfortunately, he couldn't explain my pictures to me because they didn't get loaded to his PDA and I didn't take them...although Troy told me I should. You were right!
He tells me that my right ovary was fine, my left had cysts and I had endometriosis on some spots and said this very fast that I'm not sure I caught it all. It boils down to this: I do have endometriosis, and the "cure" is to not have any periods for a while. HOORAY - I'm excited about that, although you wouldn't tell since I've been emotional and crying about the visit. I'm just a basketcase. I blame PMS. Basically, he gave me two options: get pregnant or go on the pill to completely stop the periods. He told me that I *shouldn't* have any problems getting pregnant because they burned all the endometriosis, but if we are trying and not pregnant in 6 months we'll revisit the issue. He said if we don't want to have kids for a couple years, I'll be on medicine to prevent periods for two years. Again - HOORAY.
I think what is making me emotional is that I have two options. And just two options. It's so hard to explain to anyone because I should be very excited about no periods - which I totally am. It still is frustrating because I feel like a third choice was completely taken away from me: just see what happens. And I know there could be much more severe problems than this and it's petty of me to be emotional over this (thus, I am blaming PMS). I am grateful that I wasn't told "get pregnant or have a hysterectomy", which honestly is a little bit what I feared. Every blood female relative I have ended up with hysterectomies at young ages, so I do feel like I dodged a bullet there...at least in the short term. And apparently the reason for me to stop having periods is to get rid of the endometriosis.
Blah. Maybe the part that also bothers me is that we seriously have to make a choice. And I know that we want another - Lauren will be an awesome big sister - and we do still have the flexibility with that because the other option if we wait is to just go on the pill. I haven't had luck with the pill since Lauren - which is what prompted the wonderful surgery a month ago. I guess there is a different one to go on? I also need to talk to him about having that covered by insurance since it's not to prevent pregnancy, it's for a medical condition. That's the other thing: either option is costly!! Either way, he wants me to start taking the prenatals because he's this huge advocate of being on them at least a year prior to having a child. And those aren't cheap, folks - even with Massey's plan...although it's not as good as it used to be, grr. So add the cost of the pill on top of that and it'll be close to $100/month probably. I hate money. Money stresses me out.
Blah blah blah. I'm going to have a good outlook about this now that I have vented. Focus on the positives:
1) I can have more babies.
2) I can have more babies.
3) No periods is the goal.
4) I can have more babies.
It was my fear that I somehow wouldn't be able to have more children. I am glad that is still an option, whether it be now, six months from now, or two years from now. And what sane female wouldn't be excited about a year or two period free?
*Sigh* Now that I've made myself seem even crazier...I'm going to pick up my wonderful, beautiful angel and go spend the afternoon outdoors because it is truly a gorgeous day.
First of all, I really like Dr. Hill. Most people would probably be irritated when he came into the room today and was like, "okay, post op appointment...what'd we do again?" - he then looked up his report and went over it with me. Unfortunately, he couldn't explain my pictures to me because they didn't get loaded to his PDA and I didn't take them...although Troy told me I should. You were right!
He tells me that my right ovary was fine, my left had cysts and I had endometriosis on some spots and said this very fast that I'm not sure I caught it all. It boils down to this: I do have endometriosis, and the "cure" is to not have any periods for a while. HOORAY - I'm excited about that, although you wouldn't tell since I've been emotional and crying about the visit. I'm just a basketcase. I blame PMS. Basically, he gave me two options: get pregnant or go on the pill to completely stop the periods. He told me that I *shouldn't* have any problems getting pregnant because they burned all the endometriosis, but if we are trying and not pregnant in 6 months we'll revisit the issue. He said if we don't want to have kids for a couple years, I'll be on medicine to prevent periods for two years. Again - HOORAY.
I think what is making me emotional is that I have two options. And just two options. It's so hard to explain to anyone because I should be very excited about no periods - which I totally am. It still is frustrating because I feel like a third choice was completely taken away from me: just see what happens. And I know there could be much more severe problems than this and it's petty of me to be emotional over this (thus, I am blaming PMS). I am grateful that I wasn't told "get pregnant or have a hysterectomy", which honestly is a little bit what I feared. Every blood female relative I have ended up with hysterectomies at young ages, so I do feel like I dodged a bullet there...at least in the short term. And apparently the reason for me to stop having periods is to get rid of the endometriosis.
Blah. Maybe the part that also bothers me is that we seriously have to make a choice. And I know that we want another - Lauren will be an awesome big sister - and we do still have the flexibility with that because the other option if we wait is to just go on the pill. I haven't had luck with the pill since Lauren - which is what prompted the wonderful surgery a month ago. I guess there is a different one to go on? I also need to talk to him about having that covered by insurance since it's not to prevent pregnancy, it's for a medical condition. That's the other thing: either option is costly!! Either way, he wants me to start taking the prenatals because he's this huge advocate of being on them at least a year prior to having a child. And those aren't cheap, folks - even with Massey's plan...although it's not as good as it used to be, grr. So add the cost of the pill on top of that and it'll be close to $100/month probably. I hate money. Money stresses me out.
Blah blah blah. I'm going to have a good outlook about this now that I have vented. Focus on the positives:
1) I can have more babies.
2) I can have more babies.
3) No periods is the goal.
4) I can have more babies.
It was my fear that I somehow wouldn't be able to have more children. I am glad that is still an option, whether it be now, six months from now, or two years from now. And what sane female wouldn't be excited about a year or two period free?
*Sigh* Now that I've made myself seem even crazier...I'm going to pick up my wonderful, beautiful angel and go spend the afternoon outdoors because it is truly a gorgeous day.
Crazy Drivers and Nervous Morning!
What is the deal with people who commute to Charleston EVERY DAY from the Teays Valley area and freak out when it's sunny. Truly. I can't stand these people. I told Troy that he needs to sponsor a bill requiring commuters into Charleston to wear sunglasses between the hours of 6:30 and 9:30am on sunny days or they should be SEVERLY fined. There is no reason to slow down to 20mph people! The sun has been there forever! What is worse...these people do it every day! What's that Boy Scout motto..."Always Be Prepared" or something like that? Let's start preparing for our morning commute, people. Buy sunglasses. They aren't expensive. Use your visor. It came with your car for a reason. If the sun freaks you out that much, just stay home.
I tried to get to work early this morning, which is why this bothered me more today than usual. Which leads me to the second part of my post - I'm a little nervous/anxious/curious. I have my appointment today to discuss the surgery I had 4 weeks ago, and I have done my best not to think about it in recent weeks, but now that the day is here, it's on my mind. I have faith in my doctor, he's awesome. It's still just nerve-wracking to not have my appointment until 1:30 and just sit and wonder what he's going to say. And I generally think worst-case scenario, this way when he tells me something better it makes me happier. :) Except the last appointment there I thought he'd just tell me I'm crazy and I ended up in surgery....haha. So anyway, just had to get it out. I know Troy has listened to me the past day and has done a great job of comforting me, but I'm still nervous. Think happy thoughts today people!! :)
I tried to get to work early this morning, which is why this bothered me more today than usual. Which leads me to the second part of my post - I'm a little nervous/anxious/curious. I have my appointment today to discuss the surgery I had 4 weeks ago, and I have done my best not to think about it in recent weeks, but now that the day is here, it's on my mind. I have faith in my doctor, he's awesome. It's still just nerve-wracking to not have my appointment until 1:30 and just sit and wonder what he's going to say. And I generally think worst-case scenario, this way when he tells me something better it makes me happier. :) Except the last appointment there I thought he'd just tell me I'm crazy and I ended up in surgery....haha. So anyway, just had to get it out. I know Troy has listened to me the past day and has done a great job of comforting me, but I'm still nervous. Think happy thoughts today people!! :)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
My First Soapbox Post
Okay - here it goes. I just read a blip of a story in the news and it infuriated me.
I followed along in the news about Caylee Anthony from the time she went missing until she was found dead. For anyone who isn't familiar with this situation, a 3-year old toddler was reported missing nearly a month or two after the fact. Her mother - who I have thought all along murdered her innocent daughter - made up some fabricated story about leaving her with a sitter and the sitter took off with her. The mom continued on with her life, and pictures have surfaced of her partying and drinking with her friends...all the while her child was MISSING. If that doesn't scream guilty, I'm not sure what does.
In a sad discovery, Caylee's body was found near her grandparents house and there was a sticker over her mouth. Her mother was charged in her death and is now awaiting trial...I believe. I don't want to go on too much about the actual circumstances, because I don't want to mislead or misinform. CNN's Nancy Grace has a blog covering events and you can read more about the story if you so choose.
What INFURIATED me is the fact that these grandparents are going on this whole media circuit exploiting the situation, yet the refuse to answer some questions under oath. I know here in America it is "innocent until proven guilty" but in this situation, I think it is assanine that the grandparents won't fully cooperate with the investigation. If you truly don't know anything or aren't involved, then why in the world would you hesitate to answer questions and work with the police in their investigation. I understand wanting to support your child - but she is a cold-blooded killer. She has shown no remorse. Any tears she has shed have been because she got caught, in my opinion. Anyone who would harm a child should be punished to the full extent of the law.
I can't understand why you would do public interviews with various news outlets, but not cooperate in an investigation. Do you want your 5 minutes of fame? What an awful way to get it. Oprah was going to do an interview with the Anthony's, but then cancelled because they were also doing interviews with other media sources. I think the Anthonys need to start answering some questions and getting some justice for their 3-year old granddaughter who was brutally murdered, probably just so their daughter could continue partying and not facing reality.
I want justice for Caylee Anthony, and for the 8-year old girl in California found in a suitcase. And for any other child brutally murdered.
I followed along in the news about Caylee Anthony from the time she went missing until she was found dead. For anyone who isn't familiar with this situation, a 3-year old toddler was reported missing nearly a month or two after the fact. Her mother - who I have thought all along murdered her innocent daughter - made up some fabricated story about leaving her with a sitter and the sitter took off with her. The mom continued on with her life, and pictures have surfaced of her partying and drinking with her friends...all the while her child was MISSING. If that doesn't scream guilty, I'm not sure what does.
In a sad discovery, Caylee's body was found near her grandparents house and there was a sticker over her mouth. Her mother was charged in her death and is now awaiting trial...I believe. I don't want to go on too much about the actual circumstances, because I don't want to mislead or misinform. CNN's Nancy Grace has a blog covering events and you can read more about the story if you so choose.
What INFURIATED me is the fact that these grandparents are going on this whole media circuit exploiting the situation, yet the refuse to answer some questions under oath. I know here in America it is "innocent until proven guilty" but in this situation, I think it is assanine that the grandparents won't fully cooperate with the investigation. If you truly don't know anything or aren't involved, then why in the world would you hesitate to answer questions and work with the police in their investigation. I understand wanting to support your child - but she is a cold-blooded killer. She has shown no remorse. Any tears she has shed have been because she got caught, in my opinion. Anyone who would harm a child should be punished to the full extent of the law.
I can't understand why you would do public interviews with various news outlets, but not cooperate in an investigation. Do you want your 5 minutes of fame? What an awful way to get it. Oprah was going to do an interview with the Anthony's, but then cancelled because they were also doing interviews with other media sources. I think the Anthonys need to start answering some questions and getting some justice for their 3-year old granddaughter who was brutally murdered, probably just so their daughter could continue partying and not facing reality.
I want justice for Caylee Anthony, and for the 8-year old girl in California found in a suitcase. And for any other child brutally murdered.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Life as a Mommyholic
I don't think it is a secret that I am *slightly* obsessed with my daughter. For example, I started this second blog to practice my writing skills, yet keep coming back to topics that have to do with Lauren and being a mom.
My husband thinks I am a bit of a hover-er. And I am. I'm trying to be better. There are times when I do give Lauren time to play without me just constantly being by her side...last night I did dishes while she played with her kitchen. I just don't want to miss anything - ANYTHING. Being a working mom, I have missed some things. The first time she walked, she did it at the daycare. Granted, the wonderful ladies didn't tell me this until after the fact, so I thought she walked for me first. She is changing by the second though!
Today, I ended up working a full day - usually I leave work at 2, but I had to stay until 4 today and nearly rushed out of the office because I just knew that Lauren thought I forgot about her. I think this because one time when I had to work until 5 and didn't get her until 5:30, I was told that she kept watching the door everytime someone came through looking for me. So we spent the whole night together and it was great! She went to bed, and I am thoroughly exhausted - BUT, I really miss her now!
Troy and I are heading to Mexico in less than a month, and we are both nervous about leaving her for a week. I know she's going to be fine, she'll have a great time with her grandparents that she doesn't see often - and her great-grandma - but I'm kind of nervous about how Troy and I will do without her!!
I totally understand that we need time for ourselves apart from her, but I tend to miss her as soon as we hit the door. She never cares that we leave as long as she's with her grandparents, but I miss her terribly when I'm away from her. I tend to think that this is normal...but you never know. I may be a little on the extreme side.
I'm getting better, but I tend to be a bit overcautious with her - especially when it comes to her health. I'm pretty sure Lauren's tab alone will pay for one of my pediatrician's kids to get through college. I remember at her year appointment, Dr. Bowman just kind of looked at me and was like, "so, time for another?" I bet he was hoping so! He has three kids, so I'm sure he's hoping I have the same...all their visits will put his kids through school. Just kidding...kind of. He's a great ped and I'm very glad that he is Lauren's doctor. He may regret the fact that he gave me his cell and pager numbers, as both have been used on a few occasions! Lauren had some issues getting on the right formula, and some caused her to be a little gassy which made her cry because she was in pain. And then she started daycare, and seemed to get everything anyone had. One of the doctors in the practice knows Troy and I through soccer and he *joked* with us once about how it'd been a while since Lauren and I had been in....I would rather be safe than sorry though. And she was my first...might not be the same with the next one!
I talk about Lauren constantly. I know, shocker, right? Because I certainly haven't mentioned her in this new blog...but seriously. She is my favorite topic, and I will tell anyone and everyone about her. I'm fortunate to work with a group of ladies that all have kids and love kids. My manager has two that are around Lauren's age. I was so proud of myself in my interview with them that I didn't mention Lauren. Troy coached me to not talk about personal stuff like that. But, 10 minutes into my first day I spilled the beans...I saw a picture of a baby and I just had to share about Lauren. I tell my co-workers stories constantly. This morning, I couldn't wait to get in and show them the video of Lauren's dance! Again, very fortunate that my manager is a mom! She enjoyed the video, which I'm sure would be completely unprofessional in other offices. I'm a mom first, then comes everything else.
The teachers at daycare jokingly call me the "homeroom mom" - not only do I devote attention to my child, but I devote attention to other children who seek it. Generally, I pick up Lauren and she rushes over to hug me. Invariably, two or three kids also come over to get a hug. They are generally the same kids, but every now and then a new one comes over. Yesterday, one of the girls came over and handed me her toy keys, so we played for a minute. Two of the kids know which bag is ours, and as soon as they see us they go over to the bags and reach up trying to get mine. They like to help me put the bag on my shoulder - and sometimes they like to go through the bag. Today, one of the girls pulled out Elmo for Lauren and another girl brought Lauren a baby doll (because she is the baby doll queen). Even the older kids know us - I'm "Lauren's mommy," and I have to say that just makes me smile hearing it!
A similar thing happens at the playground. I'm always playing with Lauren and helping her to do things on the equipment. Every now and then we'll encounter some kids at the park who see me playing with Lauren and want to play with us. This one kid was probably 10 and just kept talking to me and wanting me to interact with him. I try to do this as much as I can, but it's harder to do at the park when I'm trying to keep up with Lauren.
I love my daughter more than anything and would do whatever I could to make sure she is happy (within reason...I still don't let her eat chocolate for dinner even if that's what she wants). I'm proud to be a Mommyholic. One day, sooner than later, she is going to be off on playdates and then she'll be driving and off to college and I won't get the opportunities I do now. I will continue to hover, although not as closely so she learns to play independently, because I can and one day I won't be able to. Her hugs and kisses let me know that she thinks it's okay. I know she loves me too.
My husband thinks I am a bit of a hover-er. And I am. I'm trying to be better. There are times when I do give Lauren time to play without me just constantly being by her side...last night I did dishes while she played with her kitchen. I just don't want to miss anything - ANYTHING. Being a working mom, I have missed some things. The first time she walked, she did it at the daycare. Granted, the wonderful ladies didn't tell me this until after the fact, so I thought she walked for me first. She is changing by the second though!
Today, I ended up working a full day - usually I leave work at 2, but I had to stay until 4 today and nearly rushed out of the office because I just knew that Lauren thought I forgot about her. I think this because one time when I had to work until 5 and didn't get her until 5:30, I was told that she kept watching the door everytime someone came through looking for me. So we spent the whole night together and it was great! She went to bed, and I am thoroughly exhausted - BUT, I really miss her now!
Troy and I are heading to Mexico in less than a month, and we are both nervous about leaving her for a week. I know she's going to be fine, she'll have a great time with her grandparents that she doesn't see often - and her great-grandma - but I'm kind of nervous about how Troy and I will do without her!!
I totally understand that we need time for ourselves apart from her, but I tend to miss her as soon as we hit the door. She never cares that we leave as long as she's with her grandparents, but I miss her terribly when I'm away from her. I tend to think that this is normal...but you never know. I may be a little on the extreme side.
I'm getting better, but I tend to be a bit overcautious with her - especially when it comes to her health. I'm pretty sure Lauren's tab alone will pay for one of my pediatrician's kids to get through college. I remember at her year appointment, Dr. Bowman just kind of looked at me and was like, "so, time for another?" I bet he was hoping so! He has three kids, so I'm sure he's hoping I have the same...all their visits will put his kids through school. Just kidding...kind of. He's a great ped and I'm very glad that he is Lauren's doctor. He may regret the fact that he gave me his cell and pager numbers, as both have been used on a few occasions! Lauren had some issues getting on the right formula, and some caused her to be a little gassy which made her cry because she was in pain. And then she started daycare, and seemed to get everything anyone had. One of the doctors in the practice knows Troy and I through soccer and he *joked* with us once about how it'd been a while since Lauren and I had been in....I would rather be safe than sorry though. And she was my first...might not be the same with the next one!
I talk about Lauren constantly. I know, shocker, right? Because I certainly haven't mentioned her in this new blog...but seriously. She is my favorite topic, and I will tell anyone and everyone about her. I'm fortunate to work with a group of ladies that all have kids and love kids. My manager has two that are around Lauren's age. I was so proud of myself in my interview with them that I didn't mention Lauren. Troy coached me to not talk about personal stuff like that. But, 10 minutes into my first day I spilled the beans...I saw a picture of a baby and I just had to share about Lauren. I tell my co-workers stories constantly. This morning, I couldn't wait to get in and show them the video of Lauren's dance! Again, very fortunate that my manager is a mom! She enjoyed the video, which I'm sure would be completely unprofessional in other offices. I'm a mom first, then comes everything else.
The teachers at daycare jokingly call me the "homeroom mom" - not only do I devote attention to my child, but I devote attention to other children who seek it. Generally, I pick up Lauren and she rushes over to hug me. Invariably, two or three kids also come over to get a hug. They are generally the same kids, but every now and then a new one comes over. Yesterday, one of the girls came over and handed me her toy keys, so we played for a minute. Two of the kids know which bag is ours, and as soon as they see us they go over to the bags and reach up trying to get mine. They like to help me put the bag on my shoulder - and sometimes they like to go through the bag. Today, one of the girls pulled out Elmo for Lauren and another girl brought Lauren a baby doll (because she is the baby doll queen). Even the older kids know us - I'm "Lauren's mommy," and I have to say that just makes me smile hearing it!
A similar thing happens at the playground. I'm always playing with Lauren and helping her to do things on the equipment. Every now and then we'll encounter some kids at the park who see me playing with Lauren and want to play with us. This one kid was probably 10 and just kept talking to me and wanting me to interact with him. I try to do this as much as I can, but it's harder to do at the park when I'm trying to keep up with Lauren.
I love my daughter more than anything and would do whatever I could to make sure she is happy (within reason...I still don't let her eat chocolate for dinner even if that's what she wants). I'm proud to be a Mommyholic. One day, sooner than later, she is going to be off on playdates and then she'll be driving and off to college and I won't get the opportunities I do now. I will continue to hover, although not as closely so she learns to play independently, because I can and one day I won't be able to. Her hugs and kisses let me know that she thinks it's okay. I know she loves me too.
Wii, Mii and Mexico...
My wonderful husband got me a Wii for Christmas, and his parents got me the Wii Fit. This is something I wanted, and his parents made sure to tell me that they didn't get it for me because they felt I needed it, but rather that Troy told them I asked for it. :)
So, since December, it has been my goal to shed the last 5lbs of baby-weight I have been carrying. Because I know myself, and my lack of motivation, I used Mexico as my deadline. I want to feel confident in my bathing suit on the beaches of Cancun!
I feel it is important to note that while yes, I do fit in most of my clothes from pre-Lauren and yes, I am tiny again, I do still carry a bit of weight in my belly that makes me self-conscious at times. I gained 50+ pounds when I was pregnant - and I did this with joy! I attempted the first trimester or so to eat healthy. But, I had terrible morning sickness and really wasn't able to eat much. Except Cool Ranch Doritos and Shocktarts. By the end of my fourth month, I realized that it was the prenatal vitamins making me sick and (after okay-ing it with my doc) went to Flintstones and Folic Acid. Then I started to eat. And enjoy my food. I still wanted to eat "healthy" until the last trimester hit and then I wasn't so concerned. I was still fortunate that about 45 of the 50 pounds I gained was all in my belly. I stood sideways and looked like I just had a basketball under my shirt. That is no exaggeration. I have pictures to prove it.
I was also fortunate that after Lauren was born, my weight fell off! It may be partial to the fact that I was pumping, but I like to think that my metabolism is just that good. Less than 4 weeks after having her, I had my maternity clothes packed up and was wearing my "normal" clothes again. But, those pesky last 5 pounds weren't going to fall off.
Thus, my Wii Fit. I created my Mii and got excited about training. I liked my trainer - she encouraged me. I was totally dedicated to Wii Fit for two weeks. Then we went on vacation to Hilton Head...and after that I found it hard to make time to work on it. Around March, I decided to get back into it. But then, I went to St. Louis and fell off the wagon. By the time I got back, I only had a week and a half until my surgery and I knew I wouldn't be able to work out for a week or so after that, so I just didn't do it as frequently.
The Wii reminds you of that. "Hello...Jennifer, is that you? It's been 110 days since our last visit." Yeah. I had some stuff going on. My goal date had come and gone, along with my actual goal of losing 5 pounds. The wonderful (please note the sarcasm) Wii board suggested I make a more realistic goal. It told me to try and maintain my BMI at 22.00 - which still puts me at a normal weight and BMI, but about 2 pounds over the actual weight I would like. Today is my goal date - I'm nervous to go home and see what it is. Yesterday I was "on track" with a BMI of 22.19 - a 0.7+ pound gain since the previous Thursday. Hopefully today goes better.
Sometimes, the Wii is not very motivating. Jen posted on her facebook account about the Wii Fit last night and had me laughing at loud by myself at home. What she stated was totally true. The Wii likes to ask you questions. The most frustrating for me would be when I would gain a pound or two - most often around "that time of month" and would ask me if I knew the reason for my weight gain, giving me eight options. None of which were PMS. If you picked "Don't Know" it would lecture you on eating. I think the Wii is male.
The Trainers also try to keep you motivated. For something new, I changed from the female trainer to the male trainer. I hate him. He is boring and tells me the same things over and over. My female trainer would switch things up, but this guy will literally repeat himself during the same exercise. And then they ask you if you are feeling it - well, usually I am but not where they tell me I should be!! Oops...
But, it has made me feel better and even though I will not reach my goal weight for Mexico, that will be okay. Troy and I leave in less than 4 weeks, and I am going to be satisfied with my extra little bit of weight and not worry about it. That little bit of weight is my reminder that I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I may never be a size 4 again - I think delivering an 8 pound baby with my frame stretched my hips to the point of no return - but if the exchange for that is Lauren, I'm blessed.
And I've also decided that with the next baby, I will try to be healthy, but I will also enjoy my food! Knowing full well that my Wii Fit will shame me into shedding my extra weight.
So, since December, it has been my goal to shed the last 5lbs of baby-weight I have been carrying. Because I know myself, and my lack of motivation, I used Mexico as my deadline. I want to feel confident in my bathing suit on the beaches of Cancun!
I feel it is important to note that while yes, I do fit in most of my clothes from pre-Lauren and yes, I am tiny again, I do still carry a bit of weight in my belly that makes me self-conscious at times. I gained 50+ pounds when I was pregnant - and I did this with joy! I attempted the first trimester or so to eat healthy. But, I had terrible morning sickness and really wasn't able to eat much. Except Cool Ranch Doritos and Shocktarts. By the end of my fourth month, I realized that it was the prenatal vitamins making me sick and (after okay-ing it with my doc) went to Flintstones and Folic Acid. Then I started to eat. And enjoy my food. I still wanted to eat "healthy" until the last trimester hit and then I wasn't so concerned. I was still fortunate that about 45 of the 50 pounds I gained was all in my belly. I stood sideways and looked like I just had a basketball under my shirt. That is no exaggeration. I have pictures to prove it.
I was also fortunate that after Lauren was born, my weight fell off! It may be partial to the fact that I was pumping, but I like to think that my metabolism is just that good. Less than 4 weeks after having her, I had my maternity clothes packed up and was wearing my "normal" clothes again. But, those pesky last 5 pounds weren't going to fall off.
Thus, my Wii Fit. I created my Mii and got excited about training. I liked my trainer - she encouraged me. I was totally dedicated to Wii Fit for two weeks. Then we went on vacation to Hilton Head...and after that I found it hard to make time to work on it. Around March, I decided to get back into it. But then, I went to St. Louis and fell off the wagon. By the time I got back, I only had a week and a half until my surgery and I knew I wouldn't be able to work out for a week or so after that, so I just didn't do it as frequently.
The Wii reminds you of that. "Hello...Jennifer, is that you? It's been 110 days since our last visit." Yeah. I had some stuff going on. My goal date had come and gone, along with my actual goal of losing 5 pounds. The wonderful (please note the sarcasm) Wii board suggested I make a more realistic goal. It told me to try and maintain my BMI at 22.00 - which still puts me at a normal weight and BMI, but about 2 pounds over the actual weight I would like. Today is my goal date - I'm nervous to go home and see what it is. Yesterday I was "on track" with a BMI of 22.19 - a 0.7+ pound gain since the previous Thursday. Hopefully today goes better.
Sometimes, the Wii is not very motivating. Jen posted on her facebook account about the Wii Fit last night and had me laughing at loud by myself at home. What she stated was totally true. The Wii likes to ask you questions. The most frustrating for me would be when I would gain a pound or two - most often around "that time of month" and would ask me if I knew the reason for my weight gain, giving me eight options. None of which were PMS. If you picked "Don't Know" it would lecture you on eating. I think the Wii is male.
The Trainers also try to keep you motivated. For something new, I changed from the female trainer to the male trainer. I hate him. He is boring and tells me the same things over and over. My female trainer would switch things up, but this guy will literally repeat himself during the same exercise. And then they ask you if you are feeling it - well, usually I am but not where they tell me I should be!! Oops...
But, it has made me feel better and even though I will not reach my goal weight for Mexico, that will be okay. Troy and I leave in less than 4 weeks, and I am going to be satisfied with my extra little bit of weight and not worry about it. That little bit of weight is my reminder that I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I may never be a size 4 again - I think delivering an 8 pound baby with my frame stretched my hips to the point of no return - but if the exchange for that is Lauren, I'm blessed.
And I've also decided that with the next baby, I will try to be healthy, but I will also enjoy my food! Knowing full well that my Wii Fit will shame me into shedding my extra weight.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Mommy Sleep
Mommy sleep is a whole different thing than regular sleep. One of the best pieces of advice I received during my pregnancy was to get as much sleep as I could. Well, I didn't follow that for two reasons:
1) I didn't believe them.
2) Once I couldn't sleep on my stomach any longer, I really couldn't sleep.
Once Lauren was born, sleep took on a whole new meaning. For the first few months, sleep was something I got in spurts. I'd usually be up with Lauren two or three times a night. The first few weeks were the worst - I wasn't able to breastfeed, but was pumping. So, I'd get up, feed her, put her down to sleep and then pump before going back to bed. I would get about 2 hours of sleep at a time. This got a little better when we switched Lauren to formula. I'd nap with her when I could, but oftentimes it was hard to get comfortable. I kind of got "used" to the sleep pattern.
When Lauren was about 8 months old, someone finally informed me that she didn't actually need to get up in the middle of the night for a feeding. By this time we were down to one feeding, but it was still interrupting both my and Lauren's sleep enough to make us tired the next day. So, I did the whole "let her cry" thing and after two nights (yes, just two!) she was sleeping through the night!
Finally, at 18 months, Lauren is to the point where she consistently sleeps through the night, although when she wakes up varies between 5:30 at the earliest and 9 at the latest! She goes to bed at 8, and our bedtime routine is perfect. I still feel tired some days, but it is a miracle how much better I feel now than when she was little - and I think the same goes for her. We are both happier people when we get a good night's sleep!
The other side of Mommy Sleep: there will always be times that a sleeping baby makes you a nervous wreck. Honestly. Wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't experienced it. Sometimes a sleeping baby can make a mom panic.
Cases in Point:
1. When Lauren was a newborn, she would be quietly sleeping in her crib. Generally, this was after an exhausting half hour or so of rocking her to sleep and gently setting her down. And if she stayed asleep...it freaked me out. She always slept in her crib - we never had her in our room, but I kept a monitor on. If I couldn't hear her breathing on the monitor (I did keep it that loud), then I would go in to check on her. If I couldn't hear her still, I would either lay a hand on her chest or put my finger under her nose to make sure she was still breathing. She was. But I just had to check.
2. I took Lauren for a drive by myself the day before I went back to work. She was 9 weeks old and I was nervous about going back. She hated her carseat. Lauren was never one to calm down and go to sleep in her carseat. She tried to fight her way out. So we are driving and I'm trying to remain calm with a screaming baby in the backseat. As we drive, a crazy thing happens: she stops crying. Now, she's facing backward and I don't have one of those cool mirror things so I can see her (not that it would've helped me at this point). As I am driving, I'm frantically reaching back to see if I can tell if she is breathing or has cried herself to death. Fearing that I will wreck the car, I pull off into a random driveway, unbuckle my seatbelt, and lean back over the car to put my finger under her nose to see if she is breathing. She was. But I just had to check.
3. Lauren likes to get up early. No matter what time she goes to bed, generally she wakes up between 5:30 and 6. It is a good day if she sleeps until 7. This past Saturday morning, I woke up at 7:15 and was a little nervous - Lauren was still asleep. I tried going back to bed, but this was a lost cause because I was worried about Lauren and wondered why she was still asleep. So, I get out of bed, go into her room and listen to hear her breathing. At this point, I can usually tell just by listening, so I'm no longer touching her to check. Instead of going back to bed, which wouldn't have helped because I wouldn't have rested well at all, I went down and Troy and I did something we hadn't done since Lauren was born - watched Saturday morning television together! Every commercial break, we'd take turns going up and checking on her. Until 9 when she finally got up. But we couldn't relax because it was so unlike her to sleep!
I'm convinced that Mommy Sleep is never going to be the same as sleep before babies. While it can be refreshing, there are many things to trigger anxiety from the time they are born until they leave the house, I imagine. Mommy Sleep is ironic: You are desperate for sleep, and then when you get it because your child is sleeping, you either don't sleep well or wake up in a panic wondering why your child is sleeping. Welcome to Motherhood...also known as the Age of Worry for some...including me!
1) I didn't believe them.
2) Once I couldn't sleep on my stomach any longer, I really couldn't sleep.
Once Lauren was born, sleep took on a whole new meaning. For the first few months, sleep was something I got in spurts. I'd usually be up with Lauren two or three times a night. The first few weeks were the worst - I wasn't able to breastfeed, but was pumping. So, I'd get up, feed her, put her down to sleep and then pump before going back to bed. I would get about 2 hours of sleep at a time. This got a little better when we switched Lauren to formula. I'd nap with her when I could, but oftentimes it was hard to get comfortable. I kind of got "used" to the sleep pattern.
When Lauren was about 8 months old, someone finally informed me that she didn't actually need to get up in the middle of the night for a feeding. By this time we were down to one feeding, but it was still interrupting both my and Lauren's sleep enough to make us tired the next day. So, I did the whole "let her cry" thing and after two nights (yes, just two!) she was sleeping through the night!
Finally, at 18 months, Lauren is to the point where she consistently sleeps through the night, although when she wakes up varies between 5:30 at the earliest and 9 at the latest! She goes to bed at 8, and our bedtime routine is perfect. I still feel tired some days, but it is a miracle how much better I feel now than when she was little - and I think the same goes for her. We are both happier people when we get a good night's sleep!
The other side of Mommy Sleep: there will always be times that a sleeping baby makes you a nervous wreck. Honestly. Wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't experienced it. Sometimes a sleeping baby can make a mom panic.
Cases in Point:
1. When Lauren was a newborn, she would be quietly sleeping in her crib. Generally, this was after an exhausting half hour or so of rocking her to sleep and gently setting her down. And if she stayed asleep...it freaked me out. She always slept in her crib - we never had her in our room, but I kept a monitor on. If I couldn't hear her breathing on the monitor (I did keep it that loud), then I would go in to check on her. If I couldn't hear her still, I would either lay a hand on her chest or put my finger under her nose to make sure she was still breathing. She was. But I just had to check.
2. I took Lauren for a drive by myself the day before I went back to work. She was 9 weeks old and I was nervous about going back. She hated her carseat. Lauren was never one to calm down and go to sleep in her carseat. She tried to fight her way out. So we are driving and I'm trying to remain calm with a screaming baby in the backseat. As we drive, a crazy thing happens: she stops crying. Now, she's facing backward and I don't have one of those cool mirror things so I can see her (not that it would've helped me at this point). As I am driving, I'm frantically reaching back to see if I can tell if she is breathing or has cried herself to death. Fearing that I will wreck the car, I pull off into a random driveway, unbuckle my seatbelt, and lean back over the car to put my finger under her nose to see if she is breathing. She was. But I just had to check.
3. Lauren likes to get up early. No matter what time she goes to bed, generally she wakes up between 5:30 and 6. It is a good day if she sleeps until 7. This past Saturday morning, I woke up at 7:15 and was a little nervous - Lauren was still asleep. I tried going back to bed, but this was a lost cause because I was worried about Lauren and wondered why she was still asleep. So, I get out of bed, go into her room and listen to hear her breathing. At this point, I can usually tell just by listening, so I'm no longer touching her to check. Instead of going back to bed, which wouldn't have helped because I wouldn't have rested well at all, I went down and Troy and I did something we hadn't done since Lauren was born - watched Saturday morning television together! Every commercial break, we'd take turns going up and checking on her. Until 9 when she finally got up. But we couldn't relax because it was so unlike her to sleep!
I'm convinced that Mommy Sleep is never going to be the same as sleep before babies. While it can be refreshing, there are many things to trigger anxiety from the time they are born until they leave the house, I imagine. Mommy Sleep is ironic: You are desperate for sleep, and then when you get it because your child is sleeping, you either don't sleep well or wake up in a panic wondering why your child is sleeping. Welcome to Motherhood...also known as the Age of Worry for some...including me!
Welcome!
I already have a blog about my daughter, but I wanted to have another blog to just dedicate to random thoughts that cross my mind. Why?
Well, this is my exercise towards reaching a life-long goal of mine. I have always wanted to write, and a goal of mine is to someday write a book. I don't have a lot of time to devote to this, since my daughter is my main focus in life, but I have attempted to write down ideas when they come to me! I really enjoy blogging about Lauren, and I thought I'd give just random blogging a shot.
A little about me: I have my bachelor's degree in history and political science. I graduated college with two degrees in 3.5 years, a fact that I am proud of! In 2005, I decided to pursue another dream of mine: a master's degree. I enrolled in an online graduate studies program with Norwich University and received my MA in June 2007 - in Diplomacy (which is really just a fancy word for International Relations, although it was a little more specific...my area of emphasis was Conflict Resolution). I really enjoyed this program because it was strictly writing - I spent a great deal of time researching and writing about the genocide in Sudan. My favorite paper, which I presented at my residency, dealt with the situation and my solution to ending the violence in Darfur. I graduated with a 4.0, another great accomplishment of mine!
My dream job would be working for a foreign policy think tank, such as Brookings Institute. However, I live in Charleston, WV and there aren't many opportunities for that line of work! Since I have had Lauren, my focus has turned to making sure I am available for her. I am fortunate to work 30 hours a week (sometimes more) and have flexibility with my job. My manager and co-workers all have kids, which makes it a very mommy-friendly environment. I love getting to spend more time with her than I did at my previous job!
My main mission in life right now is to just be the best mom I can be for her. I want her to grow up smart, independent and strong. I tend to put my interests on the back-burner, and hope that by blogging I can at least spend a few minutes a day working towards a life-long goal of mine. I told my husband I was going to do another blog, and he asked what I was going to write about...and I told him I don't know! I have no set "theme" in mind, other than to just write about what I am thinking of at the time. I'm sure I will have many posts about my daughter, but I am a very opinionated person and hope to spend some time writing about things that are important to me outside of my family.
Other things about me: I am married to my best friend and am thankful to have someone in my life who is supportive of my what may seem at times far-reaching goals. Our daughter is the most important person in our lives and we love spending time with her. I have lived in West Virginia since 2005, but am just now starting to feel like a part of the community. I've been involved with Troy's campaigning, but since Lauren has been born, I finally feel like I'm fitting in. I have wonderful friends, many of whom do not live in the area and I don't speak with as much as I'd like, but I love them dearly! My parents live in St. Louis, so I don't get to see them often. I try to talk to my mom daily. I love reading, and try to do that for a few minutes before going to sleep each night. I could spend an entire summer on a boat and be perfectly content, although I don't get to do that as much lately since I'm now 12 hours away from my parent's lake house! I really enjoy the beach, although not quite as much as my husband who could easily spend 10 hours just lying on the beach. I tend to get restless after a bit - which he likes to point out! We are going to Mexico in FOUR weeks, and I am going to be better about entertaining myself on the beach so he can relax. And, I love shopping. LOVE it. Trying to be better about it. :)
I hope that this will help me hold myself accountable to my dream of writing...we'll see how that works!
Jen :)
Well, this is my exercise towards reaching a life-long goal of mine. I have always wanted to write, and a goal of mine is to someday write a book. I don't have a lot of time to devote to this, since my daughter is my main focus in life, but I have attempted to write down ideas when they come to me! I really enjoy blogging about Lauren, and I thought I'd give just random blogging a shot.
A little about me: I have my bachelor's degree in history and political science. I graduated college with two degrees in 3.5 years, a fact that I am proud of! In 2005, I decided to pursue another dream of mine: a master's degree. I enrolled in an online graduate studies program with Norwich University and received my MA in June 2007 - in Diplomacy (which is really just a fancy word for International Relations, although it was a little more specific...my area of emphasis was Conflict Resolution). I really enjoyed this program because it was strictly writing - I spent a great deal of time researching and writing about the genocide in Sudan. My favorite paper, which I presented at my residency, dealt with the situation and my solution to ending the violence in Darfur. I graduated with a 4.0, another great accomplishment of mine!
My dream job would be working for a foreign policy think tank, such as Brookings Institute. However, I live in Charleston, WV and there aren't many opportunities for that line of work! Since I have had Lauren, my focus has turned to making sure I am available for her. I am fortunate to work 30 hours a week (sometimes more) and have flexibility with my job. My manager and co-workers all have kids, which makes it a very mommy-friendly environment. I love getting to spend more time with her than I did at my previous job!
My main mission in life right now is to just be the best mom I can be for her. I want her to grow up smart, independent and strong. I tend to put my interests on the back-burner, and hope that by blogging I can at least spend a few minutes a day working towards a life-long goal of mine. I told my husband I was going to do another blog, and he asked what I was going to write about...and I told him I don't know! I have no set "theme" in mind, other than to just write about what I am thinking of at the time. I'm sure I will have many posts about my daughter, but I am a very opinionated person and hope to spend some time writing about things that are important to me outside of my family.
Other things about me: I am married to my best friend and am thankful to have someone in my life who is supportive of my what may seem at times far-reaching goals. Our daughter is the most important person in our lives and we love spending time with her. I have lived in West Virginia since 2005, but am just now starting to feel like a part of the community. I've been involved with Troy's campaigning, but since Lauren has been born, I finally feel like I'm fitting in. I have wonderful friends, many of whom do not live in the area and I don't speak with as much as I'd like, but I love them dearly! My parents live in St. Louis, so I don't get to see them often. I try to talk to my mom daily. I love reading, and try to do that for a few minutes before going to sleep each night. I could spend an entire summer on a boat and be perfectly content, although I don't get to do that as much lately since I'm now 12 hours away from my parent's lake house! I really enjoy the beach, although not quite as much as my husband who could easily spend 10 hours just lying on the beach. I tend to get restless after a bit - which he likes to point out! We are going to Mexico in FOUR weeks, and I am going to be better about entertaining myself on the beach so he can relax. And, I love shopping. LOVE it. Trying to be better about it. :)
I hope that this will help me hold myself accountable to my dream of writing...we'll see how that works!
Jen :)
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