Transitions

Hard as it is to believe, my beautiful little girl is now officially 2. No longer a 'baby' - although she will always be my little baby - but now a toddler. I can't believe how fast the time has gone, yet it feels like she has always been here, with us. One of the strange ironies of motherhood. :-)

Becoming a mother was a transition - a very, very great transition. In a matter of a few minutes - the time it takes for the pregnancy test to shout PREGNANT - I experienced my first transition. No longer did my decisions just affect me - my decisions affected me and my new child. I tried to be healthy - when I could eat - and everything I did seemed to revolve around the pregnancy. The second transition came at 6:28pm on October 31, 2007 - the exact minute I went from being pregnant to being an actual, real mom. I had felt like a mom during the entire pregnancy, but motherhood took on a new meaning when I first held beautiful Lauren. People try to prepare you for what your life will be like when you have a child. I heard, "your life will never be the same" so many times it made me sick during the pregnancy. Yes, I knew my life would change. And I try not to pass on that advice to other pregnant women. But until that moment happens, you cannot comprehend just how your life changes. I never knew I was capable of such intense, unconditional love for a little being I had just officially met. When Lauren and I looked at each other for the first time - she was born with her eyes open, taking in the world - I could feel our connection. We knew each other. We loved each other. I knew in that moment that no matter what, I would do anything I could for her.

For the past two years, I have a been a mom. I love my role. I love being Lauren's mom more than I could have ever imagined possible. Having her changed me. We have experienced everything together - her first smile, her first laugh, her first time sitting up, her first foods, her first time crawling, her first steps, her first illness, her first fall, her first time using silverware, her first time pouring a bowl of Cheerios for herself. Everything. And it's been an amazing journey.

Admittedly, I am a hover-er. I always held Lauren, preferring that to putting her in a bouncy. I rarely put her down for naps - which then became a hard habit to break when she had to lie down for naps. I've not always made the right decisions, but I've made all of my decisions right. I have made mistakes, I'm not perfect. Through all that, Lauren has thrived and become such a beautiful little girl.

Now, I'm experiencing another transition. Lauren no longer needs me for everything. For the past two years, I have dedicated myself to helping her, caring for her, and teaching her. Now that she is older, she is becoming more independent. It's a transition for me because I have to let her do this, which means I have to re-learn what to do! That probably sounds weird, but it's hard for me to not feel guilty doing a household chore or even reading a book while she plays by herself. I have to give her that space though. She is like me, she likes time for herself every now and then. She's very good at letting us know and I am so proud that she can entertain herself. I am trying to let go of the guilt I feel when she plays by herself - I feel guilty because I think she is lonely, but really she loves it. She lets me know when she's done and wants my attention.

The next year will bring even more transitions. I never really thought about how we can divide our lives up by the transitions we've been through: graduation from high school, attending college, graduating from college, moving out for the first time, getting married, having a child. The transitions keep getting better and better the older I get. There are many times I think back on being younger and how great it was then. It's even better now though. I cherish each day with Lauren and Troy and look forward to our future transitions together.